ryan,
i'm lost. i don't know why i always turn to you. i'm breaking down. more and more each day. i'm pathetic. i put on your necklace last night. i spend my nights obsessing over how you left. i'm stupid, i know. that probably sounds extremely creepy. maybe it is. i don't really know anymore. i'm just that "sad little girl who never got over her first love" over a year later. i feel so lost without you.
why did you have to come back to me. everything takes time.. i understand that. and i'm sure subconciously it heals more and more each day. however, you coming back to me, made me have to start all over again. that wasn't fair. you two broke up and you came back to me. either you're a complete careless asshole, and it really did mean nothing, or it meant something, and there was a reason you came back to ME. i honestly am holding onto the second one.
i'm holding onto you. not one inch of me wants to let go. i'm holding onto you. i'm holding onto nothing. something that doesn't want me anymore and doesn't care. but i'm holding onto the hopeless chance you'll come back to me someday. that you think, in your own time, you miss me. and someday you'll miraculously leave her for me, and realize it was all a mistake and you still love me. what a hopeless chance. but if i let go... i'll never have a chance.
why would you randomly text me.. why do you look at me in school.
i laid in bed last night, crying. pathetically begging, idk who, for me to wake up the next day and go back. to see you in my dreams; for you to talk to me. just to be able to see you and talk to you, even for a second, even if it wasn't real.
i need you to remember me. i can't mean nothing to you.. i can't.

so i need to be more careful. i think my mom is suspicious.. i forgot to flush after purging. stupid me. i need to hide all of my notebooks better, hide my laxatives. i need to not eat all day so i can eat dinner with her like a normal person. i can't let her be supsicous. i can't let her think there's something wrong with her daughter, or that her daughter is sick. because i'm not. i'm fine.

today: i weighed 127 still.
apple.
binge. purge.
binge. purge.
dinner. purge.
5 laxatives.
i did terrible today. i'll be suprised if i lose. my throat hurts. i need to stop purging. which means i need to stop binging. i can't get ulcers or cough up blood or shit like that. today i saw jesse and he asked if i'd been crying. no. just wake up? no. maybe my eyes were red.. from purging.. god i need to stop. my plan for tomorrow is to not eat all day, drink lots of water (i'm dehydrated) and have dinner, then laxatives. i really hope i'll still lose this way. i'm worried bc i've been so successful.. bc i was purging everything but my apple or 2. hopefully just the calories of dinner wont' make me gain :/

i haven't really been updating on here my days. i need to. i want it to look back on. i have it on my phone. i'll copy it.

friday march 4th:
banana, 80.
apple, 80.
binge, purge.
chinese, purge.
pickles, 35.
kept down 195 calories.

march 5th, saturday. i weighed 129.
apple. 80.
binged on chicken teryaki stick, capncrunch cereal with milk and  a pbj. purged.
did concessions for basketball game. 2 hotdogs and 2 or 3 cookies.
purge. four laxatives.
salmon &rice. 3 laxatives.

march 6th, sunday. 128 pounds (:
banana. 80
2 cookies. 100
chips. 50
chex mix. 3 lax.
i'm not sure if this is right.. i really remember binging and purging, but..

monday, march 7th. 127 pounds.
apple. 80
yogurt. 130
pretzels. 50.
immediate binge. purge. 4 laxatives.
pretzels. 20.
pot pie minus chicken. idk. 3 laxatives.
i'd hope i didn't go over 500 cals.

so i've realized if i eat anything but fruit, it triggers a binge. so tomorrow, i don't have school. i'm planning on just having apples and pickles, and dinner if mom requires it. an apple is very filling to me.. and yeah a handful of pretzels would be too and not many more calories but i seriously would feel sick. i feel sick if i eat anything other than fruit and keep it down. my stomach has shrunk and i couldn't eat a full meal without purging. if i didn't my stomach would hurt. anyways, this entry is boring me. i really hope to be 126 tomorrow :/ wish me luck. (at this rate i've been losing a pound a day!)

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

okay so i have an update on my stats, so i'll just repost them all  =]

height: almost 5'6"
cw: 135 icky
gw-120
want to reach it by christmas. think i can do it? 15 pounds to lose, 26 days. so atleast one pound a day.
i say i can.

i hate myself. i hate being fat, and i hate myself because i'm still fat. i want to be skinny and beautiful. no guy would ever want to be with a girl who looks like me.
i have friends who are larger than me, but you don't look at them and think "she's fat!" because it actually doesn't look bad on those two girls, and i dont think much of it. but me.. oh gosh. where do i begin? i'm hideous. i'm a fat pig. people are always staring at me and my fatness. i get up to put my test on the teachers desk... i swear that everyone stares at my flab, especially my stomach. my gouging stomach. i ordered a shirt online from hollister a while ago. it was a medium, and it fit. i got another one, and it was a medium and was too small, which i think was because it was a pullover instead of a zip up but anyways.. i asked my mom to trade it in for a large. ew right? and she said i dont think even a large would fit. i wanted to cry. not even a large would fit me? how huge am i? i'm getting fatter and fatter day by day. this is controlling my life. i dont go one minute without thinking about what i'm gonna eat or how i'm gonna not eat. i try to hide my fat but it doesn't work. i always wear sweatshirts because it helps hide my disgusting rolls. i have to do this.